On Advance Directive

Hey still alive people,

It appears I have died or am in the process.  Bummer.  I hope I went out someway cool and not whilst being an idiot.  However, I know myself, and I was likely doing something dumb like trying to pet something I shouldn’t, choked on one too many pizza rolls in my pie hole, or some other mortally embarrassing thing that led to my untimely death. Herein is how I’d prefer you to wrap things up.

Health Care Power of Attorney
Page 5/12 of my living will thing, which asked if I need more space AND INDEED, I DO.
Additional Instructions or Limitations:  I may give additional instructions or impose additional limitations on the authority of my agent.  Below are my specific instructions or limitations.

Gino, if you’re reading this, you were the first pick in the draft for caring for my dying body or burying my already dead corpse.  Sorry bud, that’s in the whole “better or worse” line of them vows. So, I’ll do my best to make it easy for you:

• Don’t embalm me, ew.  I’ll have enough preservatives from my hair care and horrid eating habits that I won’t waste immediately away.  
• Don’t get an expensive casket (I’m sure you weren’t going to lol)
• But for real, I don’t want a traditional casket.  What a friggen waste of cash, I'm literally going to turn into a pile of goo in there.  I’ve rather grown fond of the idea of natural decomposition.  This will be a bit of a pain in the ass because, well, decomposition starts right out the get go, so we’re looking at 3-7 days before things get stinky around here so you can't procrastinate as you normally would.  If we’re still in Northeast Ohio at the time of my demise, here’s a place that looked rad (and conveniently located only 1.5 hours from us: Foxfield Preserve 9877 Alabama Ave SW, Wilmot, OH 44689 (330-359-5235).  All you need is a shroud or a wicker casket, dump me in the ground, throw some dirt on there and let nature do its thing.  If we’re not in Ohio, fire up the old Google machine and search for “big naturals” …I jest!  “natural burials XXwhateverstateweareinXX”.  
• ALTERNATIVELY, if you want to donate ½ my corporal form to a body farm or bits and pieces to a search and rescue team, that’d be dope as hell.  You don’t get remains back or get to visit, hence why I included the natural burial above, so there’s an HQ to my rotting essence should anyone want to come and sit with me for a spell.  You gotta call and ask ‘em, cuz they fill up and such, but if they could use a femur to watch decompose for the next 40 years, go nuts.  Example:  Forensic Anthropology Center at University of Tennessee (https://fac.utk.edu/)
• I would like some flowers spread around my angelic form and at my dirt mound, if that’s not too much to ask.  
• If, for some reason, I die abroad or in a real gross and inconvenient way (first of all, go me!) then you can cremate me for ease of travel, I guess. Please see "Amanda’s preferred hierarchy of ways to dispose of her body" (Figure A).
• Bury whatever pet ashes we have accumulated with me too, so I can have my thunder buddies with me when it’s lights out.

Diane or Patrick Briggs, if you’re reading this, Gino and I likely died at the same time, probably because he was texting and driving, or we choked simultaneously at AYCE sushi.  Please see above.

James Briggs, if you are reading this, fuck bud.  Life just took a giant shit on you because that means Mom, Dad and Gino are all dead along with me.  Try and get my animals somewhere safe, otherwise do whatever works, man. FERDA.

Living Will Declaration
Page 5/7 Additional instructions or limitations 

Alright, here’s the deal on the harvest of my sweet, sweet organs and eyeballs and how long I wanna be hooked up for:

• I am not listed officially as on organ donor but feel free, if I’m hanging on the brink and it’s not looking good, to make the decision to slice and dice.  I leave this decision with Gino and the folks.  I would like anything that can be used to go to use, I’m just not officially on the DMV paperwork because I read a conspiracy theory once and BOY OH BOY /adjusts tinfoil hat.
• I’m not wanting to be a vegetable and draining anyone’s finances.  If I’m a gonner, per what the medical professionals say and what your gut is telling you, pull that plug Steel Magnolias style. 
• I do not want a showing or a funeral, and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN CASKET, but if everything is going according to plan I will be in a hole somewhere being eaten by worms and not on display to the public.  If someone was important to me, they’ll get in touch with you. However, if a bunch of people want to show up to throw me in the ground and have a beer after, great. Just remember to pour one out for ya girl. No matter what, don’t let a funeral home take you to the cleaners over little ol me.  I’m not there, yo.
• Also, delete my Facebook page, that dumpster fire will not be my everlasting memorial.

Thank you for reading my aftercare instructions.  If for some reason you need to deviate from this plan, just do your best, I won’t really know the difference anyways ;p

See you suckers on the other side.

Fig. A Amanda's hierarchy of preferred body disposal methods